10/26/04 11:12 am - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Real Secret of the Ooze, or Suddenly Gay Invaders from Dimension X
Some time ago, someone uploaded a file to my FTP server. This is not in itself unusual; when my FTP and AIM servers were up and running, I'd receive at least five or ten items of random crap per day. The overwhelming majority of this was bizarre or funny porn.
Now, I've been using the Internet since before there was an internet- believe me, I've seen some strange shit. I've seen scat porn, bestiality porn, manga tentacle rape, and vomit porn (not surprisingly, mostly Asian) in my time, and let me tell you, nothing has disturbed me more fundamentally than this file.
It is, I shit you not, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles slash. For those not "in the know", slash is defined by the Wikipedia as:
"...fan fiction, describing [frequently] gay pairings between media characters, often in explicit detail, and very frequently outside the canon of the source."Already, I'm sure that some of you can feel the very foundations of your childhoods and youths crumbling into ruin. Inexorably, however, I'm sure you're feeling compelled to read on.
The Play by Play:
The beginning of the video. I have no goddamned idea what this means.
Old fans of the television series will recognize this as a familiar sight- the old Channel 6 building, home of April O'Neil, her weird little van, and Vernon, who will make an appearance a little later on. You might even feel a little twinge of nostalgia at this point.
[APRIL enters, to find MICHAELANGELO in room.]
APRIL: Michaelangelo! What are you doing here?!
[APRIL approaches MICHAELANGELO]
At this point, we discover Splinter hiding behind a pillar between the two, holding a tripwire.
You don't have to tell me; it's pretty damned disturbing already.
Predictably, April trips and falls. It is especially convenient to the two scheming mutants that she trips and falls on her knees, in front of Michaelangelo's pelvis.
APRIL: [naughtily] Mmm.
Since I know a lot of you are reading this at work, I'll place the rest behind a cut. Trust me, it's hilarious, or something.
[MICHAELANGELO's shell bulges, momentary pause]
[APRIL kisses TURTLECOCK]
MICHAELANGELO: Hey, April. Don't cut me no slack!
And she doesn't.
[MICHAELANGELO rips APRIL's shirt off]
Then, something really bizarre happens. Everyone knows April's trademark yellow jumpsuit. Well, guess what? It has a trap door for her twat!
[APRIL opens trap door, reveals vagina]
[MICHAELANGELO and APRIL hump like crazy standing up, and then on the newsdesk]
MICHAELANGELO: Mm! MM!
APRIL: Oh! Oh!
Now, while this might all seem perfectly normal (with the exception of the fact that two children's morning cartoon characters, a giant mutant (ninja) turtle and a human woman, have been redrawn, fucking), it gets more and more bizarre. Like Dante into the Inferno, we descend deeper and deeper into the realm of anguish.
Surprise! It appears that the clever news team at Channel 6 has determined a way to get a feed directly from April's cervix! News at 11!
This goes on for a few seconds, when the heretofore apparently prone, unresponsive Michaelangelo, decides to spice things up a little.
What better way to do that than to send a nunchuck down the Hershey Highway? No lube, not even spit! April's a real trooper.
Such vigour! Mikey and April go at it so hard that the nunchuck spins around like a goddamn propeller! Bravo!
This kinky couple's not done yet. It's time for the Turtlecock Toboggan, right down the back stairs to the basement!
It looks like the stairs empty out through a storm drain into a cavern in the depths of the earth; as we all recall, caves are commonly found adjacent to the sewers of New York, and DARK MYSTERIES lurk within.
Like what, you ask?
How about the goddamn Technodrome, eh? Mobile base of invaders from the terrible world of Dimension X!
Our lovers have been ejected into the path of DANGER!
They've been spotted!
It's the great and terrible KRANG, an evil living brain housed in the nethers of a goofy looking cyborg! Trouble's afoot.
Here we see the helpless Michelangelo, without his nunchucks and still in the tender state of arousal, in mortal fear as the loathsome villain approaches...
...and fucking kisses him?
It gets worse.
No commentary necessary.
We enter one of the most cherished traditions of slash porn- taking a nonsexual character and not only sexualizing it, but making it gay.
Krang sucks one mean dick, but I bet it's toothy head. Almost not worth it, to a human. It looks like the leathery, reptilian TURTLECOCK can handle it, though.
Here comes the worst of it: the line that will be forever burned into your memory; a phrase so utterly out of place that never in your wildest imagination would you have conceived of this individual ever speaking it. Bear witness now, my readers, to a travesty the likes of which should never be:
KRANG: Cum in my mouth!
Of course, he does. *sigh*
That's right. They spend at least three seconds animating Krang's mouth filling with semen. And he's loving it, folks!
Don't end it now. You have so much left to live for.
Now, just to make things even more Godforsakenly bizarre than they already are, we come back to what is presumably the Channel 6 news studio, where Vernon is masturbating to a live feed of the proceedings underground.
Surprise, Vernon. Your semen is glowing hot pink. Yeah, it gets worse for you.
VERNON: [frightened] AAAH!
This is what you get for masturbating to slashporn, kids.
Video file available here.
Have a nice day!